A Music Video can give you an Acid Washed STD?

Best. Cover. Ever.

This bitch is legitimately insane….I feel my skin crawl when she screams “NASTY”.

Sondra Prill is probably a creepy old woman that goes to the local Chippendales for some cocktails and sexual harassment (One would assume, in her Kathleen Turner-esque voice from years of chain smoking).  She most likely wears an over sized shirt that says, “MILF” which is covered in Chili stains.

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Jump rope for the glory of god.

Watch the video here:

http://videosift.com/video/the-chapman-brothers-jump-rope-for-the-glory-of-god

This woman might be the most clueless person on the planet.  She is also damn sexy with her Linda Gray in Dallas haircut and white trash-soccer mom-suit jacket.  These young jump ropers came to the good ol’ U.S of A from Vietnam via boat…..but Pirates invaded the ship and stole most of the gold they had.

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REALLY?!  Pirates?!!!!

The poor children had a ship full of gold?!

This woman needs a lobotomy.  Although, she must be dead by now, from years of abusing prescription medication and cheap Georgi vodka martinis.

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She also discusses “child abuse”, which is a little known concept.  The jump ropers were hung by their wrists in the trees and beaten by family members…..but according to the host who resembles the Crypt Keeper juxtaposed with Linda Gray…..it’s O.K to spank your children, so they learn to obey.

Hung from trees and beaten= bad

Spanking=good.

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I guess the family of the Jump Ropin’ fools didn’t get that memo.  Thanks Jesus, I guess your fax machine was broken that day.

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Weird shit you can buy.

  • A crocheted penis that literally serves no purpose. Put that shit on the table as a centerpiece during the holidays!  What a conversation starter!  Part of the description states:” funky purple details”. Even a fake penis shouldn’t have that description.

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  • An “Adult Baby” crib.  NOTHING, and i mean NOTHING scares me more than adult babies.  Grown men and women taking dumps in diapers, talking baby talk, sucking on a pacifier, wearing a onesie….gives me the willies.

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  • A vintage douche/enema.  Because it’s fun to guess where this ended up through the years?  Because they really knew how to make them in the 40s? Don’t forget to blow the dust off.

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  • A taxidermy “unicorn”.  When i was little, i never associated petting zoo animals with the wondrous unicorn.   Unicorns now remind me of steamy piles of shit and those weird smelling food pellets that cost 50 cents.

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  • A cat stroller.  “Maybe our neighbors won’t realize that it’s our cat.  Why can’t i have a real baby?  At least now i can pretend!”  Not only would you look like a total lunatic, your cat will hate you and hopefully claw you so deeply that you need stitches.  This is just as bad as a grown woman pushing a stroller with a plastic baby doll or a jarred fetus.

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Cop Rock on DVD. This song states to pain of racial profiling.  Cop Rock had an abundance of social commentary. This is really all I have to say about that, as the clip speaks for itself:

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18 Kids and a Huge Vagina

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I have had an unhealthy obsession with the Duggar family for many years, since the 2004 special, “14 Children and Pregnant Again”.  I found this particularly interesting as it was around this time that i learned when you pop out a baby, you have the chance of ripping your vagina to the point were you can create one hole….a Vaginus.  14 AND pregnant again?  Odds are that this woman has a Vaginus.  Also, the father is “Jim Bob Duggar”, which is too hilarious to be true. JIM BOB + DUGGAR= cousin fucker.  It’s simple math.

Lets start at the beginning, as I’m getting ahead of myself.

Michelle Duggar started off on the pill. The pill is “99.9%” effective if you take it at the same time daily (making sure not to forget a day), although it isn’t always guaranteed.  She got pregnant.  Jim Bob and Michelle were convinced that since she got pregnant WHILE on the pill, it was gods plan for them to have a baby.  If god wants you to pro-create, he will make sure it happens with or without protection.

I want to start my Duggar series by doing a quick introduction to the whole Duggar clan (yes, they all have “J” names….for Jesus? or Jew? or John Basebow?):

JIM BOB DUGGAR

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  • Born July 18,  1965
  • Former Arkansas State Legislator
  • His favorite recipe is Tater Tot Casserole
  • He uses enough hairspray daily to bust open the ozone layer like a pimple

MICHELLE DUGGAR

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  • Born Sep 13, 1966
  • Stays trim between babies by being a lifetime Weight Watches member.
  • Doesn’t always wash her make-up off every night.
  • Favorite recipe is layered salad (make sure to use REAL mayonnaise)

JOSHUA DUGGAR

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  • Born March 3, 1988
  • Married Anna Keller on September 26, 2008
  • Wants a large family like his parents, his wife is already pregnant with girl #1
  • His favorite recipe is 3 Bean Chili, OLE!

JANA DUGGAR

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  • Born January 12, 1990 (John-Davids twin)
  • Future goal is to become a midwife, she is used to childbirth and vaginas.
  • Favorite recipe is hash-brown casserole. (similar to her mothers hash-brown stained underpants)

JOHN-DAVID DUGGAR

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  • Born January 12, 1990 (Jana’s Twin)
  • Looks like a future serial killer….look at those chompers.
  • Favorite food is Chicken Spaghetti….is that like….chicken in a spaghetti shape?

JILL DUGGAR

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  • Born May 17, 1991
  • Future goal is to become a missionary. No comment.
  • Favorite food is tacos, AY PAPI!

JESSA DUGGAR

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  • Born November 4, 1992.
  • Wants to become a beautician.  (she should start by working on her mother….I hope Jessa learns how to wax!)
  • Favorite food is pickles.  whore.

JINGER DUGGAR

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  • Born December 21, 1993
  • Often seen as the black sheep, she wears brand-name clothing and has goals other than popping out kids.  People started “Free Jinger” groups online, as they see her as the only one with potential to live a normal life.
  • Favorite food is Lasagna.

JOSEPH DUGGAR

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  • Born January 20, 1995
  • Is probably not listening to anything on those headphones. If he is, it’s probably the bible on tape.
  • Future goal is to become a Carpenter, just like YOU KNOW WHO!

JOSIAH DUGGAR

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  • Born August 28, 1996
  • That hat makes me believe he is on the “brokeback mountain” path.
  • Favorite pastime is swimming

JOY-ANNA DUGGAR

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  • Born October 28, 1997
  • Looks like she could have mental problems based on the size of her forehead.
  • Favorite food is scrambled eggs, just as scrambled as her mothers uterus.

JEDIDIAH DUGGAR

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  • Born December 30, 1998 (Jeremiah’s Twin)
  • Favorite pastime is playing with the dog, I’d play with the dog also if my only options were the other Duggars.
  • His future goal is to become a dad, at the age of 11…he should start if he wants to catch up to ma and pa.

JEREMIAH DUGGAR

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  • Born December 30, 1998 (Jedidiah’s Twin)
  • Has massive freckles that make me believe he came out of his mothers anus.
  • Favorite food is soft pretzels.

JASON DUGGAR

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  • Born April 21, 2000
  • That smile looks like his daddy is behind him with a gun.
  • Future goal is to become a fireman……or a Chippendale’s dancer.

JAMES DUGGAR

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  • Born July 7, 2001
  • His favorite pastime is taking baths, which might be a rare occurrence in this household.
  • His favorite food is chicken stuffing.

JUSTIN DUGGAR

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  • Born November 15, 2002
  • Favorite pastime is cleaning the playroom, they are indentured servants.
  • Favorite food is Chicken Noodle Soup

JACKSON DUGGAR

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  • Born May 23, 2004
  • Favorite Pastime is taking a bath, similar to brother James. I bet they put all the boys in the same tub like a sardine can. A Duggar Broth.
  • Future Goal is to become a big brother…..mission accomplished.

JOHANNA DUGGAR

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  • Born October 8, 2005
  • Her birth was especially exciting because it was the first time in eight years the family has had a girl.
  • Michelle did about 75 radio interviews about this birth. And the family has welcomed a steady stream of journalists, including  a three-man crew with the Korean Broadcasting System.

JENNIFER DUGGER

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  • Born August 7, 2007
  • “We’d love to have more,” Michelle said, referring to baby girls. “We love the ruffles and lace.”
  • Gave birth within 30 minutes…..her vagina is like the Holland tunnel.

JORDYN GRACE DUGGAR

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  • Born December 18, 2008
  • Had a special birth episode on TLC
  • She needed a C-Section, her third, because the baby was lying sideways. Doing cartwheels, having a house party in the uterus.

OTHER DUGGAR CHARACTERS:

AMY DUGGAR

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  • She is the sassy/whore cousin.
  • Milks the Duggar fame through her website amyduggar.com, she labels herself as a TV personality as she builds her music career.  She is going to need some talent first.  Maybe she should get some fame by being the only Duggar that has 20 abortions.
  • Her bio states, ” Her music and personality will make you want to “take your shoes off and stay awhile.”  The heart felt lyrics are just straight up country, but you will also be cranking up the sound because the music will move you.

ANNA DUGGAR

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  • Wife of Joshua Duggar, got engaged at ago 20.
  • Didn’t even kiss her husband until they were legally married under the eyes of god.
  • Expecting first baby in October- Duggar grandchild #1.
  • Her and Joshua want a large family like Michelle and Jim Bob. God help us all.

DUGGAR FACTS:

  • The Duggars are conservative Baptists who endorse the Quiverfull movement. (the Quiverfull movement is a Conservative Christian way of seeing children as a blessing from god and to reject common ideals of birth control)
  • Jim Bob has worked in real estate as an agent and investor for over 25 years. The family also owns a cell phone tower.
  • Michelle’s been pregnant for over 135 months of her life.
  • Average number of months between Duggar births is 18.
  • The Duggars feed their entire brood for less than $2,000 per month.
  • Every Duggar child learns to play both violin and piano.
  • The family organizes their household chores by assigning “jurisdictions,” so everyone knows exactly what their daily responsibilities are.
  • For years Michelle said she took non-chewable prenatal vitamins, even if she wasn’t pregnant. During those periods she was most likely nursing. One day during a doctor’s appointment it would found that she had several undigested prenatal tables in her intestines.
  • The Duggars raise their children using a buddy system, in which an older sibling is assigned to a younger sibling and assists in their daily care.
  • Michelle Duggar won the “Young Mother of the Year Award” in Arkansas, which is sponsored by American Mothers Incorporated.
  • The children watch very little television and their internet usage is strictly monitored.
  • The children are home-schooled.
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Butthash

Since I enjoy poop humor as much as most pre-teen boys, i was obviously attracted to the Zambian street drug “Jenkem”.  Jenkem is a jenkembottlepotpourri of bodily secretions, mainly urine and feces that is fermented to perfection in the sun. One would place these excretions into a bottle, place a balloon atop and then set the object in the hot sun for a few hours-to a few days…….think sun brewed tea and/or a potent marinade, longer the better!

When the brew is ready, you simply remove the balloon (which has captured all the fermented gasses) and huff.

It supposedly gives you a high that is a mixture of cocaine euphoria and acid-like hallucinations……only with jenkem, you have shit-taste in your mouth for a few days afterward.  You hallucinate (to the point where you might pass out/ think you are talking to the dead) AND have shit-breath.

Jesus fucking Christ.  What ever happened to sniffing glue? At least it doesn’t make you feel like you ate a big turd-log for a few days.  I want to meet the person that created this phenomenon. “Holy crap…..i love the smell of my shit….let me keep it out in the sun and make it REALLY nasty, then huff it”!  Can you imagine a drug dealer standing on a street corner holding a beautiful bouquet of balloons?

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I can’t say anything else that can describe the sheer humor of jenkem like this post on a recovery forum that i stumbled upon.

“I am writing this because I do not want my child to get in any trouble, but I need to alert someone to something children are doing that is potentially very dangerous. Yesterday afternoon I came home early to find my son and his friends getting high on something called “jenkem” which they say they heard about at school. This “jenkem” is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard of. They urinate and defecate in plastic bottles and leave them to ferment in the sun, then inhale the resulting gas. I know it sounds unreal but when I came home I found my son and his friends laying on the grass in the backyard and they were acting very strangely. There was a horrible, putrid smell in the air. I can’t believe my son would do something like this. I looked it up on the internet and apparently this was something invented by African children that wound up online and now kids all over the world are doing it. My son says most of his friends at school have tried it.

This seems to be a new thing and I can’t find any information about the health effects of jenkem – I think it is the methane and ammonia content that provides the desired high, but I don’t really know. Both of those are very harmful chemicals. All sorts of diseases are spread through fecal matter. I imagine it could lead to some very serious health problems. My husband and I are utterly shocked and talking about private school. We have talked to our son about this and he says he won’t do it anymore, but because it is on the Internet kids all over the country are trying jenkem and they need to be educated about the health risks. It is only a matter of time before somebody dies from methane poisoning or this leads to a hepatitic outbreak. I don’t know exactly what anyone could do about this as jenkem is legal but I really feel like this could be a gateway to worse things.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Steinberg

Sorry for this, but Merry Christmas to everyone, and may the light of God grace us all.”

She thinks that worse things exist?  I’d prefer my kid to inject Heroin before huffing his own shit….or the shit of others. What kind of school does this little retard go to? The light of god needs to grace her sons puny brain. If I were her, I’d get a 200th trimester abortion.

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“I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-A-Soup.” -Gwyneth Paltrow

I was watching Conan the other night and Gwyneth Paltrow was one of his guests. Normally i’d be half listening as her essence gives me liquid shit, however……she mentioned something quite intriguing.  She has some fucking website that teaches humanity how to gwyneth-ize themselves.  It’s called GOOP…..really?  GOOP?

First of all….it rhymes with the racial slur for Asians  (perhaps Ms. Paltrow has some aggression from nam……or maybe she got food poisoning from some spoiled Chicken Chow Mein).

Secondly, it sounds suspiciously like male secretions…..I am shocked that the domain was available, as it was most likely a shitty porn site that gives your computer Hep C upon entry.  She IS Gwyneth Paltrow….she probably had the previous owner killed.

On the home page you see “GOOP: nourish the inner aspect, by Gweneth Paltrow”…..What the fuck is GOOP?  What the fuck does it mean to “nourish the inner aspect”?  Is she retarded? She must have swallowed too much GOOP.

The page is simple and clean: five images with a word beneath each…..make, go, get, do, be and see.

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Today I’ll focus on the “MAKE” section:

I click on the quaint image of a knife and fork and enter an abyss of name dropping and shear horrors of unrelateable celebrity. Here are two examples:

Giancarlo Giametti

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Below is the preface to her favorite recipes from an Italian gentleman/ dearest friend/ fashion world cocksucker….blah blah blah…”Italian Gentleman” gives me an air of those  homophobes that say…”i don’t mind fags…i just don’t want them hitting on me”…..like she is saying, he is an “Italian”……but i swear he isn’t like the others.  I don’t want to use a recipe that Fashion designers use, as it’s probably garnished with prunes and Metamucil.

“One of my dearest friends in the world is an Italian gentleman by the name of Giancarlo Giametti. He is the longtime friend and partner of fashion legend Valentino Garavani, another dear friend”

She apparently has a lot of Dear Friends…..I wouldn’t want to be friends with a guy that has a leather face and more liver spots than all of the golden girls combined.

Mario Batali

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Below is what she says about massive ego-maniac-douchebag Mario Batali.  He looks like he has a diet of bacon grease and Delta Burkes ass fat.  He looks like he kills hookers. It might be his midlife crisis ponytail.  Who knows.  I do however know that he is a fat fuck that apparently has robot-xanax addicted celebrity friends like Gwyneth and Michael Stipe ala R.E.M.  Both of whom look like all they digest is heroin and wheat grass.

“A couple of months ago, I had the great pleasure of being invited to Mario Batali’s house for dinner (Yes, I am a lucky motherf***er!). Emeril Lagasse was also there as a guest, so I was curious to see what the great Batali would serve to dazzle a fellow super chef.”

Jesus….she is such an asshole. Of course she was invited….Mario Batali is a starfucker with a creepy fucking face.  Sitting at a table with those three dipshits sounds like purgatory. Remember when Emeril had that sitcom for two minutes?  They probably couldn’t eat because they were busy sniffing each others assholes.

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cannibal corpse

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I wonder if this is how they did it during the 1972 crash of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 in the Andes.

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Hookworms and threadworms enter the body in contaminated drinking water or through bare feet.

When I was younger I had a REAL problem with feet. I surely had an issue with my own feet (to the point where i sometimes wore socks in our pool), but this wasn’t half as strong as my distaste for these taboo appendages on other people.

I remember when i was in 7th grade, i was told by my science teacher, Mrs. McLaughlin, that hookworms can enter your feet through the grass….if you are lucky enough to step in remnants of animal feces.

Because of this potent statement….my 13-year-old mind went completely haywire, and i was forced to wear inappropriate footwear during the summer heat. Imagine watching some jackass walking around wearing combat boots in August, essentially steam cooking all the delicious aromas and bacteria that come from those horrendous, dirty, ugly, tapeworm vestibule extremities. This, in my mind, was better than the terrible alternative….getting a hookworm as a tenant in my lower intestine.

I’m over that now……..to some degree, however……

The island of Manhattan is a breeding ground for disease, especially during the summer months. When you go down into a subway station, it can emit an odor unlike any other….it’s a potpourri of cheese, gangrene, garbage, human filth and rats. (on a sidenote- i think that glade should produce a scented candle composed of the previous scents and sell it at NYC tourist spots…..call it “subway”….people will eat that up….just saying).

Now, when i observe summer footwear, especially in a pungent subway station, i must wonder why people make certain choices.

For example:

A barefoot homeless man walks around the platform on the downtown yellow line side…..he paces back and forth with his feet firmly pressed against the dirty tile. The skin on his feet is deteriorating with patches of white and red spotting his normally black skin. It looks almost as though…..wait a minute…..this man has gangrene.

A girl walks down the steps to catch the downtown R train to prince street to shop. Wearing her brand new Marc Jacobs gladiator sandals, she feel a rush of confidence fill her body as she notices people glancing at her footwear. The soles on the shoe are quite thin, and her toes slightly hang over the toe of the shoe. Her big toe grazes the spot where the homeless man was pacing. Lucky for her, gangrene isn’t contagious, however….this stylish woman now acquired Eosinophilic Meningitis, which is a common disease transmitted to humans through rats. The usual cause is the parasite Angiostrongylus cantonensis, (the rat lungworm).

So ladies, new time you go out for a “night on the town”, always remember that when you put on your brand new pair of Manolo Blahnik peep toes, you might be going home with a foot covered in human feces and/ or pestilence.

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