“I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-A-Soup.” -Gwyneth Paltrow

I was watching Conan the other night and Gwyneth Paltrow was one of his guests. Normally i’d be half listening as her essence gives me liquid shit, however……she mentioned something quite intriguing.  She has some fucking website that teaches humanity how to gwyneth-ize themselves.  It’s called GOOP…..really?  GOOP?

First of all….it rhymes with the racial slur for Asians  (perhaps Ms. Paltrow has some aggression from nam……or maybe she got food poisoning from some spoiled Chicken Chow Mein).

Secondly, it sounds suspiciously like male secretions…..I am shocked that the domain was available, as it was most likely a shitty porn site that gives your computer Hep C upon entry.  She IS Gwyneth Paltrow….she probably had the previous owner killed.

On the home page you see “GOOP: nourish the inner aspect, by Gweneth Paltrow”…..What the fuck is GOOP?  What the fuck does it mean to “nourish the inner aspect”?  Is she retarded? She must have swallowed too much GOOP.

The page is simple and clean: five images with a word beneath each…..make, go, get, do, be and see.

goop

Today I’ll focus on the “MAKE” section:

I click on the quaint image of a knife and fork and enter an abyss of name dropping and shear horrors of unrelateable celebrity. Here are two examples:

Giancarlo Giametti

72530370EA015_Iman_And_Vale

Below is the preface to her favorite recipes from an Italian gentleman/ dearest friend/ fashion world cocksucker….blah blah blah…”Italian Gentleman” gives me an air of those  homophobes that say…”i don’t mind fags…i just don’t want them hitting on me”…..like she is saying, he is an “Italian”……but i swear he isn’t like the others.  I don’t want to use a recipe that Fashion designers use, as it’s probably garnished with prunes and Metamucil.

“One of my dearest friends in the world is an Italian gentleman by the name of Giancarlo Giametti. He is the longtime friend and partner of fashion legend Valentino Garavani, another dear friend”

She apparently has a lot of Dear Friends…..I wouldn’t want to be friends with a guy that has a leather face and more liver spots than all of the golden girls combined.

Mario Batali

Mario

Below is what she says about massive ego-maniac-douchebag Mario Batali.  He looks like he has a diet of bacon grease and Delta Burkes ass fat.  He looks like he kills hookers. It might be his midlife crisis ponytail.  Who knows.  I do however know that he is a fat fuck that apparently has robot-xanax addicted celebrity friends like Gwyneth and Michael Stipe ala R.E.M.  Both of whom look like all they digest is heroin and wheat grass.

“A couple of months ago, I had the great pleasure of being invited to Mario Batali’s house for dinner (Yes, I am a lucky motherf***er!). Emeril Lagasse was also there as a guest, so I was curious to see what the great Batali would serve to dazzle a fellow super chef.”

Jesus….she is such an asshole. Of course she was invited….Mario Batali is a starfucker with a creepy fucking face.  Sitting at a table with those three dipshits sounds like purgatory. Remember when Emeril had that sitcom for two minutes?  They probably couldn’t eat because they were busy sniffing each others assholes.

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3 thoughts on ““I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-A-Soup.” -Gwyneth Paltrow

  1. Manny says:

    It doesn’t technically rhyme with gook. It ryhmes with loop, poop, stroup, soup, coop and hoop. You can force it if you’re a bad rapper, i suppose.

    The rich have nothing better to do that pass judgements on us for eating what’s affordable, while they eat their gold lined ice cream.

    This is a problem. A monumental problem that has only one solution. The vast amjority of wealth (not only in the US) rests in the hands of a few privledged (for lack of a better term) people. They never use it for good, and even when they do they won’t sacrifice much since they want to keep their Ferrari’s and diamond studded diaphrams. You know who I’m talking about.

    I propose a quick and easy way to redistribute the wealth to those who’s only source of nutrition is a cup o’ noodles: KILL THE RICH.

    If you have hoarded more that 100 million dollars, BAM you’re dead and your family and any next of kin that may inherit these millions of dollars that would otherwise be wasted by inhuman disease ridden socialites that couldn’t even tell you how much their Bently was worth cuz mommy and daddy paid for it, and their pseudo education at the most prestigous university that opens it’s doors to these things that aren’t even capable of washing their own clothes.

    So pick up a rock and nail the next rich person you see. Don’t stop til you see the white meat.

  2. samanthrax says:

    but i like dark meat…..can i stop after that?

  3. Margarita says:

    I agree!. i’m so sick and tired of these fake loosers dictating many of our current pop culture/fashion /cool/ trends.too much money really turn people into shit. They really should locked them up all inside a football field and bomb it!!( well maybe that would be too much!)but they should tax all their millions and redistribute them into society. The world would be a better place after that!. Most them are a bunch of untalented, fake, phony, ugly (photoscope, plastic work, make up artists…)loosers and they pretend to be nice and genuine, and cool and generous they re just disgusting!! ugh .

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