Category Archives: duggar

How the Duggars prepare for #20….Part 1

Where were you when you heard that Michelle Duggar was having her 20th child?  If you are like most Americans, you were watching them on the “Today Show” with Ann Curry while stuffing bacon into your mouth like packing peanuts into a large box whilst wearing your “Forever Lazy“.   Whether you feel like this is a good thing, a bad thing or are completely infatuated with this (because it is ridiculously excessive and you don’t know whether to cry, laugh or move to Canada) and don’t really have an opinion (like myself)- here is the story of what needs to be done in order to open up the “Michelle Duggar Fetus Factory”.

Its been a while since the union workers have been brought in to clean up the factory-Over a year since the steam and midnight oil was being burned.  The Michelle Duggar Fetus Factory was about to turn on its lights and feel hundreds of feet pacing on its floors on a daily basis.  Many of the towns locals (who were still suffering from the recession), lined up to get this freelance job in the factory.  Its uterine wall could fit half of the townsfolk at one time, so this was not only a godly blessing but also an economical one.

Mr. White from the edge of town was the first to arrive.  It’s been hard for him and his family to make ends meet ever since the Cancer.   The bill collectors are on the brink of breaking down his door in order to pay them back the thousands of dollars he borrowed.  Mr White was hired to keep the factory clean, which was no easy feat.  When he swung open the revolving labia doors, he recognized that smell from all of the previous births.  It was the smell of sweat, gasoline, blood and freshly baked artisan breads.  He was home.

He got out his broom and started to sweep up all of the twigs and dead bugs that were covering the tiles.   He started humming along with the radio that he dusted the cobwebs off of and turned on.  It was playing “Rhythm of the Night” by Debarge.  As soon as he heard the songs chorus, he was transformed to a different time- the year was 1988 when Michelle had a normal sized uterus and she was giving birth to her first.  Mr. White was the janitor at the hospital she gave birth in.  He enjoyed having such a close relationship to the mothers in his ward and he wanted to give them the gift of cleanliness.  Mrs. Duggar never got the smell of clean out of her nostrils.  It was a heavenly scent similar to lemons, alcohol and Mr. Clean.  He has been a key member of the team ever since.

When he came out of his trance he realized that he was almost finished with the sweeping and was almost ready to begin the padding of the uterine walls.  At that moment, his team finally arrived!  Lazy Pete, Dirty Steve and Cotton Eye Joe came in with a childish glee recognizing that this was the location where they became men.   Like that of a group of soldiers that experience something beyond words together.  They have endured things that NO MAN should have to see, and it makes them stronger as an outcome.  Lazy Pete continues to serve them a celebratory meal that he created using only local ingredients.  He was making the team, “Cheesy Duggarberries in Velveeta”. 

After the hearty meal of seasonal Duggarberries, they began taking in the excess skin from her stomach and turning it into an insulation of sorts.  She had enough excess skin that could fill the Empire State Building. They found ancient markings on the walls from its past residents.  Mostly claw marks ( like those of someone being dragged to a horrible fate), but a little bit of drawing….stick figures and such.

“We are going to have a long 9 months, aren’t we Steve?” said Cotton-Eye Joe.

“Not as long as the path to the cave” exclaimed Dirty Steve.

They both took a long inspired gaze into the distance.  Alongside the entrance to the factory is a dirt road that leads to the “Dark Cave of Lost Souls”.  This is where some of the unlucky get lost when they go beyond the factory walls.  Never. To. Be. Seen. Again.

To be continued…….

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18 Kids and a Huge Vagina

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I have had an unhealthy obsession with the Duggar family for many years, since the 2004 special, “14 Children and Pregnant Again”.  I found this particularly interesting as it was around this time that i learned when you pop out a baby, you have the chance of ripping your vagina to the point were you can create one hole….a Vaginus.  14 AND pregnant again?  Odds are that this woman has a Vaginus.  Also, the father is “Jim Bob Duggar”, which is too hilarious to be true. JIM BOB + DUGGAR= cousin fucker.  It’s simple math.

Lets start at the beginning, as I’m getting ahead of myself.

Michelle Duggar started off on the pill. The pill is “99.9%” effective if you take it at the same time daily (making sure not to forget a day), although it isn’t always guaranteed.  She got pregnant.  Jim Bob and Michelle were convinced that since she got pregnant WHILE on the pill, it was gods plan for them to have a baby.  If god wants you to pro-create, he will make sure it happens with or without protection.

I want to start my Duggar series by doing a quick introduction to the whole Duggar clan (yes, they all have “J” names….for Jesus? or Jew? or John Basebow?):

JIM BOB DUGGAR

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  • Born July 18,  1965
  • Former Arkansas State Legislator
  • His favorite recipe is Tater Tot Casserole
  • He uses enough hairspray daily to bust open the ozone layer like a pimple

MICHELLE DUGGAR

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  • Born Sep 13, 1966
  • Stays trim between babies by being a lifetime Weight Watches member.
  • Doesn’t always wash her make-up off every night.
  • Favorite recipe is layered salad (make sure to use REAL mayonnaise)

JOSHUA DUGGAR

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  • Born March 3, 1988
  • Married Anna Keller on September 26, 2008
  • Wants a large family like his parents, his wife is already pregnant with girl #1
  • His favorite recipe is 3 Bean Chili, OLE!

JANA DUGGAR

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  • Born January 12, 1990 (John-Davids twin)
  • Future goal is to become a midwife, she is used to childbirth and vaginas.
  • Favorite recipe is hash-brown casserole. (similar to her mothers hash-brown stained underpants)

JOHN-DAVID DUGGAR

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  • Born January 12, 1990 (Jana’s Twin)
  • Looks like a future serial killer….look at those chompers.
  • Favorite food is Chicken Spaghetti….is that like….chicken in a spaghetti shape?

JILL DUGGAR

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  • Born May 17, 1991
  • Future goal is to become a missionary. No comment.
  • Favorite food is tacos, AY PAPI!

JESSA DUGGAR

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  • Born November 4, 1992.
  • Wants to become a beautician.  (she should start by working on her mother….I hope Jessa learns how to wax!)
  • Favorite food is pickles.  whore.

JINGER DUGGAR

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  • Born December 21, 1993
  • Often seen as the black sheep, she wears brand-name clothing and has goals other than popping out kids.  People started “Free Jinger” groups online, as they see her as the only one with potential to live a normal life.
  • Favorite food is Lasagna.

JOSEPH DUGGAR

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  • Born January 20, 1995
  • Is probably not listening to anything on those headphones. If he is, it’s probably the bible on tape.
  • Future goal is to become a Carpenter, just like YOU KNOW WHO!

JOSIAH DUGGAR

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  • Born August 28, 1996
  • That hat makes me believe he is on the “brokeback mountain” path.
  • Favorite pastime is swimming

JOY-ANNA DUGGAR

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  • Born October 28, 1997
  • Looks like she could have mental problems based on the size of her forehead.
  • Favorite food is scrambled eggs, just as scrambled as her mothers uterus.

JEDIDIAH DUGGAR

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  • Born December 30, 1998 (Jeremiah’s Twin)
  • Favorite pastime is playing with the dog, I’d play with the dog also if my only options were the other Duggars.
  • His future goal is to become a dad, at the age of 11…he should start if he wants to catch up to ma and pa.

JEREMIAH DUGGAR

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  • Born December 30, 1998 (Jedidiah’s Twin)
  • Has massive freckles that make me believe he came out of his mothers anus.
  • Favorite food is soft pretzels.

JASON DUGGAR

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  • Born April 21, 2000
  • That smile looks like his daddy is behind him with a gun.
  • Future goal is to become a fireman……or a Chippendale’s dancer.

JAMES DUGGAR

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  • Born July 7, 2001
  • His favorite pastime is taking baths, which might be a rare occurrence in this household.
  • His favorite food is chicken stuffing.

JUSTIN DUGGAR

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  • Born November 15, 2002
  • Favorite pastime is cleaning the playroom, they are indentured servants.
  • Favorite food is Chicken Noodle Soup

JACKSON DUGGAR

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  • Born May 23, 2004
  • Favorite Pastime is taking a bath, similar to brother James. I bet they put all the boys in the same tub like a sardine can. A Duggar Broth.
  • Future Goal is to become a big brother…..mission accomplished.

JOHANNA DUGGAR

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  • Born October 8, 2005
  • Her birth was especially exciting because it was the first time in eight years the family has had a girl.
  • Michelle did about 75 radio interviews about this birth. And the family has welcomed a steady stream of journalists, including  a three-man crew with the Korean Broadcasting System.

JENNIFER DUGGER

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  • Born August 7, 2007
  • “We’d love to have more,” Michelle said, referring to baby girls. “We love the ruffles and lace.”
  • Gave birth within 30 minutes…..her vagina is like the Holland tunnel.

JORDYN GRACE DUGGAR

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  • Born December 18, 2008
  • Had a special birth episode on TLC
  • She needed a C-Section, her third, because the baby was lying sideways. Doing cartwheels, having a house party in the uterus.

OTHER DUGGAR CHARACTERS:

AMY DUGGAR

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  • She is the sassy/whore cousin.
  • Milks the Duggar fame through her website amyduggar.com, she labels herself as a TV personality as she builds her music career.  She is going to need some talent first.  Maybe she should get some fame by being the only Duggar that has 20 abortions.
  • Her bio states, ” Her music and personality will make you want to “take your shoes off and stay awhile.”  The heart felt lyrics are just straight up country, but you will also be cranking up the sound because the music will move you.

ANNA DUGGAR

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  • Wife of Joshua Duggar, got engaged at ago 20.
  • Didn’t even kiss her husband until they were legally married under the eyes of god.
  • Expecting first baby in October- Duggar grandchild #1.
  • Her and Joshua want a large family like Michelle and Jim Bob. God help us all.

DUGGAR FACTS:

  • The Duggars are conservative Baptists who endorse the Quiverfull movement. (the Quiverfull movement is a Conservative Christian way of seeing children as a blessing from god and to reject common ideals of birth control)
  • Jim Bob has worked in real estate as an agent and investor for over 25 years. The family also owns a cell phone tower.
  • Michelle’s been pregnant for over 135 months of her life.
  • Average number of months between Duggar births is 18.
  • The Duggars feed their entire brood for less than $2,000 per month.
  • Every Duggar child learns to play both violin and piano.
  • The family organizes their household chores by assigning “jurisdictions,” so everyone knows exactly what their daily responsibilities are.
  • For years Michelle said she took non-chewable prenatal vitamins, even if she wasn’t pregnant. During those periods she was most likely nursing. One day during a doctor’s appointment it would found that she had several undigested prenatal tables in her intestines.
  • The Duggars raise their children using a buddy system, in which an older sibling is assigned to a younger sibling and assists in their daily care.
  • Michelle Duggar won the “Young Mother of the Year Award” in Arkansas, which is sponsored by American Mothers Incorporated.
  • The children watch very little television and their internet usage is strictly monitored.
  • The children are home-schooled.
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