Category Archives: Poop

Boston Cream

I’m waiting for my 32oz coffee at the Dunkin Donuts near my apartment.  It’s about 45 minutes after i should have been at work and I live about an hour away.  This Dunkin Donuts shares it’s residency in a “shopping center” with stores like “Funky Stylez 4 U”, “Bernie’s Fish Cove”, “Jacky Chan Chinese/Mexican Food” and the cleverly titled, “Store”. “Store” is a store that sells shit that looks like more expensive shit.  Like an MP3 player that looks like an ipod but is actually made of that shitty ikea wood and the tears of young Chinese women at a sweatshop.

The woman in front of me has a comb-over, a mustache and Jaclyn Smith for Kmart Pants Suit. She orders an Extra Large fruit coolata and 3 orders of hash browns.  I remember that because i thought to myself, “Holy shit!  That’s fucking gross”!

Right as she was paying I started thinking about the awkward conversation I was about to have with the weird Jamaican dude that tries to sell me costume jewelery.  As I’m anticipating my next move, this woman comes in.  She looked a little off.  She stands near the front door completely blocking the entrance way as this balding, mustached lady is trying to get out of dodge, to drink her extra large Fruit Coolata, eat her three packs of hash browns while playing in her pile of dead cats when she gets home.

The woman was about the size of Marlon Brando circa, “Don Juan DeMarco“. She had the hair of a little girl that lives in a neglectful household containing an alcoholic mother and a deadbeat dad.  You know what i’m saying.  Smells like everything bagels and pee.

She is wearing a pair of pants made from floor laminate and shoelaces that are woven on the sides.  She is wearing coral lipstick on her mouth pimples and yellow teeth.  Her skin is the color of Wesley Snipes but is wearing foundation that should be put on by a fucking mime or a clown.  Her toenails are longer than her fingernails, but thats only because she gnarled them off, including bits of glittery nail polish that is likely living somewhere between her teeth.

She looks at the Jamaican Guy and yells, “Boo, you got these?”

The Jamaican Guy walks around the counter to see what she is pointing to underneath the register.  She is pointing to a promotional poster for the new tuna sandwich.

The Jamaican Guy walks back around the counter and says, “yes?”

The woman looks at him and says, “Well, they good?”

The Jamaican Guy says, “Yes.”

She says, “You got these?”

He says, “yes.”

She says, “Well, I see you tomorrow then”.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Butthash

Since I enjoy poop humor as much as most pre-teen boys, i was obviously attracted to the Zambian street drug “Jenkem”.  Jenkem is a jenkembottlepotpourri of bodily secretions, mainly urine and feces that is fermented to perfection in the sun. One would place these excretions into a bottle, place a balloon atop and then set the object in the hot sun for a few hours-to a few days…….think sun brewed tea and/or a potent marinade, longer the better!

When the brew is ready, you simply remove the balloon (which has captured all the fermented gasses) and huff.

It supposedly gives you a high that is a mixture of cocaine euphoria and acid-like hallucinations……only with jenkem, you have shit-taste in your mouth for a few days afterward.  You hallucinate (to the point where you might pass out/ think you are talking to the dead) AND have shit-breath.

Jesus fucking Christ.  What ever happened to sniffing glue? At least it doesn’t make you feel like you ate a big turd-log for a few days.  I want to meet the person that created this phenomenon. “Holy crap…..i love the smell of my shit….let me keep it out in the sun and make it REALLY nasty, then huff it”!  Can you imagine a drug dealer standing on a street corner holding a beautiful bouquet of balloons?

boy-girl-balloons

I can’t say anything else that can describe the sheer humor of jenkem like this post on a recovery forum that i stumbled upon.

“I am writing this because I do not want my child to get in any trouble, but I need to alert someone to something children are doing that is potentially very dangerous. Yesterday afternoon I came home early to find my son and his friends getting high on something called “jenkem” which they say they heard about at school. This “jenkem” is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard of. They urinate and defecate in plastic bottles and leave them to ferment in the sun, then inhale the resulting gas. I know it sounds unreal but when I came home I found my son and his friends laying on the grass in the backyard and they were acting very strangely. There was a horrible, putrid smell in the air. I can’t believe my son would do something like this. I looked it up on the internet and apparently this was something invented by African children that wound up online and now kids all over the world are doing it. My son says most of his friends at school have tried it.

This seems to be a new thing and I can’t find any information about the health effects of jenkem – I think it is the methane and ammonia content that provides the desired high, but I don’t really know. Both of those are very harmful chemicals. All sorts of diseases are spread through fecal matter. I imagine it could lead to some very serious health problems. My husband and I are utterly shocked and talking about private school. We have talked to our son about this and he says he won’t do it anymore, but because it is on the Internet kids all over the country are trying jenkem and they need to be educated about the health risks. It is only a matter of time before somebody dies from methane poisoning or this leads to a hepatitic outbreak. I don’t know exactly what anyone could do about this as jenkem is legal but I really feel like this could be a gateway to worse things.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Steinberg

Sorry for this, but Merry Christmas to everyone, and may the light of God grace us all.”

She thinks that worse things exist?  I’d prefer my kid to inject Heroin before huffing his own shit….or the shit of others. What kind of school does this little retard go to? The light of god needs to grace her sons puny brain. If I were her, I’d get a 200th trimester abortion.

jenkem

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,