Category Archives: Uncategorized

When I grow up…can I be the meat man?

This is as disturbing as Human Centipede starring the Golden Girls.

Call me a softy, but I don’t really want to break out into a song and dance whilst juggling animal extremities.

I’m gonna wear your skins like a mask, I’m a meaty meat man working hard.  Bologna looks like big league chew .  This shit is like Hellraiser.  Why is the “meat man” culture so sexist?  Can’t we be co-existing meat “people“.  I think I’m going to vomit, i just watched this three times……

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US Government regulations require American bologna to be finely ground

Sitting on the bus.  I stare through the windshield trying to envision my life progressing by the minute as we travel through the bustling streets of Borough Park.  Jewish.  Like glimmers of black and white with circumcised curled hairs.  Hebrew words tell me that this is a place where gentiles aren’t seen like the Phoenix. I observe my surroundings within this steel prison on wheels.  Anxiously awaiting my arrival in front of the bodeaga that smells of spiced meats.   I see sadness on the two other prisoners in my cell.

The man across from me has a ravenous hunger in his eyes.  Like a feral cat attacking a squirrel carcass.  He waits.

The undying lust of processed meats fills his soul (from what i could tell by his nervous twitches and hunger wheezes).  From his Dora the explorer backback, he presents the steel cage with a  package of C-Towns finest packaged bologna.

He examines it like a moth to a flame or a maggot on a dead pigeon.  He stares a lustful stare.  We become one.

He opens the package with utter excitement, twitching at the anticipation of absorbing the vast array of ground animals into his own meats.

Scents of bagels and jewish things diminish and the pungent aroma of garlicky lukewarm animal death fills the bus.  My nose hairs are burned by the aroma.

The man takes the entire pack, instead of eating them piece by piece.  He tears into the meat saucer with the conviction of a soldier.  Within what seemed like a matter of seconds, the processed meats were one with him.

All that was left was the memory and the smell of rancid, sweaty deli meats.

fin.

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Cecil Dill and His Musical Hands

He kept his musical instrument limber by milking cows!


He would have totally landed first place on “America’s got Talent”.

I wonder what other celebrities keep a limber instrument by milking a cow?  Chew on that.

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A Music Video can give you an Acid Washed STD?

Best. Cover. Ever.

This bitch is legitimately insane….I feel my skin crawl when she screams “NASTY”.

Sondra Prill is probably a creepy old woman that goes to the local Chippendales for some cocktails and sexual harassment (One would assume, in her Kathleen Turner-esque voice from years of chain smoking).  She most likely wears an over sized shirt that says, “MILF” which is covered in Chili stains.

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“I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-A-Soup.” -Gwyneth Paltrow

I was watching Conan the other night and Gwyneth Paltrow was one of his guests. Normally i’d be half listening as her essence gives me liquid shit, however……she mentioned something quite intriguing.  She has some fucking website that teaches humanity how to gwyneth-ize themselves.  It’s called GOOP…..really?  GOOP?

First of all….it rhymes with the racial slur for Asians  (perhaps Ms. Paltrow has some aggression from nam……or maybe she got food poisoning from some spoiled Chicken Chow Mein).

Secondly, it sounds suspiciously like male secretions…..I am shocked that the domain was available, as it was most likely a shitty porn site that gives your computer Hep C upon entry.  She IS Gwyneth Paltrow….she probably had the previous owner killed.

On the home page you see “GOOP: nourish the inner aspect, by Gweneth Paltrow”…..What the fuck is GOOP?  What the fuck does it mean to “nourish the inner aspect”?  Is she retarded? She must have swallowed too much GOOP.

The page is simple and clean: five images with a word beneath each…..make, go, get, do, be and see.

goop

Today I’ll focus on the “MAKE” section:

I click on the quaint image of a knife and fork and enter an abyss of name dropping and shear horrors of unrelateable celebrity. Here are two examples:

Giancarlo Giametti

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Below is the preface to her favorite recipes from an Italian gentleman/ dearest friend/ fashion world cocksucker….blah blah blah…”Italian Gentleman” gives me an air of those  homophobes that say…”i don’t mind fags…i just don’t want them hitting on me”…..like she is saying, he is an “Italian”……but i swear he isn’t like the others.  I don’t want to use a recipe that Fashion designers use, as it’s probably garnished with prunes and Metamucil.

“One of my dearest friends in the world is an Italian gentleman by the name of Giancarlo Giametti. He is the longtime friend and partner of fashion legend Valentino Garavani, another dear friend”

She apparently has a lot of Dear Friends…..I wouldn’t want to be friends with a guy that has a leather face and more liver spots than all of the golden girls combined.

Mario Batali

Mario

Below is what she says about massive ego-maniac-douchebag Mario Batali.  He looks like he has a diet of bacon grease and Delta Burkes ass fat.  He looks like he kills hookers. It might be his midlife crisis ponytail.  Who knows.  I do however know that he is a fat fuck that apparently has robot-xanax addicted celebrity friends like Gwyneth and Michael Stipe ala R.E.M.  Both of whom look like all they digest is heroin and wheat grass.

“A couple of months ago, I had the great pleasure of being invited to Mario Batali’s house for dinner (Yes, I am a lucky motherf***er!). Emeril Lagasse was also there as a guest, so I was curious to see what the great Batali would serve to dazzle a fellow super chef.”

Jesus….she is such an asshole. Of course she was invited….Mario Batali is a starfucker with a creepy fucking face.  Sitting at a table with those three dipshits sounds like purgatory. Remember when Emeril had that sitcom for two minutes?  They probably couldn’t eat because they were busy sniffing each others assholes.

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cannibal corpse

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I wonder if this is how they did it during the 1972 crash of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 in the Andes.

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Hookworms and threadworms enter the body in contaminated drinking water or through bare feet.

When I was younger I had a REAL problem with feet. I surely had an issue with my own feet (to the point where i sometimes wore socks in our pool), but this wasn’t half as strong as my distaste for these taboo appendages on other people.

I remember when i was in 7th grade, i was told by my science teacher, Mrs. McLaughlin, that hookworms can enter your feet through the grass….if you are lucky enough to step in remnants of animal feces.

Because of this potent statement….my 13-year-old mind went completely haywire, and i was forced to wear inappropriate footwear during the summer heat. Imagine watching some jackass walking around wearing combat boots in August, essentially steam cooking all the delicious aromas and bacteria that come from those horrendous, dirty, ugly, tapeworm vestibule extremities. This, in my mind, was better than the terrible alternative….getting a hookworm as a tenant in my lower intestine.

I’m over that now……..to some degree, however……

The island of Manhattan is a breeding ground for disease, especially during the summer months. When you go down into a subway station, it can emit an odor unlike any other….it’s a potpourri of cheese, gangrene, garbage, human filth and rats. (on a sidenote- i think that glade should produce a scented candle composed of the previous scents and sell it at NYC tourist spots…..call it “subway”….people will eat that up….just saying).

Now, when i observe summer footwear, especially in a pungent subway station, i must wonder why people make certain choices.

For example:

A barefoot homeless man walks around the platform on the downtown yellow line side…..he paces back and forth with his feet firmly pressed against the dirty tile. The skin on his feet is deteriorating with patches of white and red spotting his normally black skin. It looks almost as though…..wait a minute…..this man has gangrene.

A girl walks down the steps to catch the downtown R train to prince street to shop. Wearing her brand new Marc Jacobs gladiator sandals, she feel a rush of confidence fill her body as she notices people glancing at her footwear. The soles on the shoe are quite thin, and her toes slightly hang over the toe of the shoe. Her big toe grazes the spot where the homeless man was pacing. Lucky for her, gangrene isn’t contagious, however….this stylish woman now acquired Eosinophilic Meningitis, which is a common disease transmitted to humans through rats. The usual cause is the parasite Angiostrongylus cantonensis, (the rat lungworm).

So ladies, new time you go out for a “night on the town”, always remember that when you put on your brand new pair of Manolo Blahnik peep toes, you might be going home with a foot covered in human feces and/ or pestilence.

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