I was watching Conan the other night and Gwyneth Paltrow was one of his guests. Normally i’d be half listening as her essence gives me liquid shit, however……she mentioned something quite intriguing. She has some fucking website that teaches humanity how to gwyneth-ize themselves. It’s called GOOP…..really? GOOP?
First of all….it rhymes with the racial slur for Asians (perhaps Ms. Paltrow has some aggression from nam……or maybe she got food poisoning from some spoiled Chicken Chow Mein).
Secondly, it sounds suspiciously like male secretions…..I am shocked that the domain was available, as it was most likely a shitty porn site that gives your computer Hep C upon entry. She IS Gwyneth Paltrow….she probably had the previous owner killed.
On the home page you see “GOOP: nourish the inner aspect, by Gweneth Paltrow”…..What the fuck is GOOP? What the fuck does it mean to “nourish the inner aspect”? Is she retarded? She must have swallowed too much GOOP.
The page is simple and clean: five images with a word beneath each…..make, go, get, do, be and see.
Today I’ll focus on the “MAKE” section:
I click on the quaint image of a knife and fork and enter an abyss of name dropping and shear horrors of unrelateable celebrity. Here are two examples:
Below is the preface to her favorite recipes from an Italian gentleman/ dearest friend/ fashion world cocksucker….blah blah blah…”Italian Gentleman” gives me an air of those homophobes that say…”i don’t mind fags…i just don’t want them hitting on me”…..like she is saying, he is an “Italian”……but i swear he isn’t like the others. I don’t want to use a recipe that Fashion designers use, as it’s probably garnished with prunes and Metamucil.
“One of my dearest friends in the world is an Italian gentleman by the name of Giancarlo Giametti. He is the longtime friend and partner of fashion legend Valentino Garavani, another dear friend”
She apparently has a lot of Dear Friends…..I wouldn’t want to be friends with a guy that has a leather face and more liver spots than all of the golden girls combined.
Below is what she says about massive ego-maniac-douchebag Mario Batali. He looks like he has a diet of bacon grease and Delta Burkes ass fat. He looks like he kills hookers. It might be his midlife crisis ponytail. Who knows. I do however know that he is a fat fuck that apparently has robot-xanax addicted celebrity friends like Gwyneth and Michael Stipe ala R.E.M. Both of whom look like all they digest is heroin and wheat grass.
“A couple of months ago, I had the great pleasure of being invited to Mario Batali’s house for dinner (Yes, I am a lucky motherf***er!). Emeril Lagasse was also there as a guest, so I was curious to see what the great Batali would serve to dazzle a fellow super chef.”
Jesus….she is such an asshole. Of course she was invited….Mario Batali is a starfucker with a creepy fucking face. Sitting at a table with those three dipshits sounds like purgatory. Remember when Emeril had that sitcom for two minutes? They probably couldn’t eat because they were busy sniffing each others assholes.