Tag Archives: toenails

Boston Cream

I’m waiting for my 32oz coffee at the Dunkin Donuts near my apartment.  It’s about 45 minutes after i should have been at work and I live about an hour away.  This Dunkin Donuts shares it’s residency in a “shopping center” with stores like “Funky Stylez 4 U”, “Bernie’s Fish Cove”, “Jacky Chan Chinese/Mexican Food” and the cleverly titled, “Store”. “Store” is a store that sells shit that looks like more expensive shit.  Like an MP3 player that looks like an ipod but is actually made of that shitty ikea wood and the tears of young Chinese women at a sweatshop.

The woman in front of me has a comb-over, a mustache and Jaclyn Smith for Kmart Pants Suit. She orders an Extra Large fruit coolata and 3 orders of hash browns.  I remember that because i thought to myself, “Holy shit!  That’s fucking gross”!

Right as she was paying I started thinking about the awkward conversation I was about to have with the weird Jamaican dude that tries to sell me costume jewelery.  As I’m anticipating my next move, this woman comes in.  She looked a little off.  She stands near the front door completely blocking the entrance way as this balding, mustached lady is trying to get out of dodge, to drink her extra large Fruit Coolata, eat her three packs of hash browns while playing in her pile of dead cats when she gets home.

The woman was about the size of Marlon Brando circa, “Don Juan DeMarco“. She had the hair of a little girl that lives in a neglectful household containing an alcoholic mother and a deadbeat dad.  You know what i’m saying.  Smells like everything bagels and pee.

She is wearing a pair of pants made from floor laminate and shoelaces that are woven on the sides.  She is wearing coral lipstick on her mouth pimples and yellow teeth.  Her skin is the color of Wesley Snipes but is wearing foundation that should be put on by a fucking mime or a clown.  Her toenails are longer than her fingernails, but thats only because she gnarled them off, including bits of glittery nail polish that is likely living somewhere between her teeth.

She looks at the Jamaican Guy and yells, “Boo, you got these?”

The Jamaican Guy walks around the counter to see what she is pointing to underneath the register.  She is pointing to a promotional poster for the new tuna sandwich.

The Jamaican Guy walks back around the counter and says, “yes?”

The woman looks at him and says, “Well, they good?”

The Jamaican Guy says, “Yes.”

She says, “You got these?”

He says, “yes.”

She says, “Well, I see you tomorrow then”.

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I like to smell my farts!

“Self-hatred, self-loathing, also sometimes auto-phobia refers to an extreme dislike of oneself, or being angry at oneself. The term is also used to designate a dislike or hatred of a group to which one belongs. For instance, “ethnic self-hatred” is the extreme dislike of ones ethnic group.”

My question for wikipedia,  is, “why don’t you include the ability to float through life by making people around you uncomfortable with a self-injuring comment”?  Mr. Wikipedia, i think that this so called “self- hatred, self- loathing, also sometimes auto-phobia” is what gives me the confidence to leave my house in the morning.  This is quite powerful.  I know that at least once a day, i will make at  least one person feel really uncomfortable, usually by letting out a nervous laugh as to say, “Am i laughing with you right now or should we hide your sharps”?  I don’t think i hate myself per se, i mean……i hate myself as much as i hate anything else that shits and sleeps.  I also don’t think my self esteem is worse than….i don’t know……Tina Turner hitting a flat note after Ike has been on a crack bender with a crotchless panty wearing-toothless-hairy-prostitute.

I think we need to welcome self-loathing into our lives….because frankly- humans are fucking disgusting.  You have no real reason not to feel bad about yourself.  The Hershey marks in your underpants, the way you don’t wash your hands in a public restroom, the “five second rule” you rationalize in your mind as being applicable on the dirty floor of the Q train, the way you trim your gnarly fucking toenails on a park bench and the yeast infection you have that you overlook when trying on that swimsuit in a kohls dressing room.   Congratulations on adding to the collapse of humanity.


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