Where were you when you heard that Michelle Duggar was having her 20th child? If you are like most Americans, you were watching them on the “Today Show” with Ann Curry while stuffing bacon into your mouth like packing peanuts into a large box whilst wearing your “Forever Lazy“. Whether you feel like this is a good thing, a bad thing or are completely infatuated with this (because it is ridiculously excessive and you don’t know whether to cry, laugh or move to Canada) and don’t really have an opinion (like myself)- here is the story of what needs to be done in order to open up the “Michelle Duggar Fetus Factory”.
Its been a while since the union workers have been brought in to clean up the factory-Over a year since the steam and midnight oil was being burned. The Michelle Duggar Fetus Factory was about to turn on its lights and feel hundreds of feet pacing on its floors on a daily basis. Many of the towns locals (who were still suffering from the recession), lined up to get this freelance job in the factory. Its uterine wall could fit half of the townsfolk at one time, so this was not only a godly blessing but also an economical one.
Mr. White from the edge of town was the first to arrive. It’s been hard for him and his family to make ends meet ever since the Cancer. The bill collectors are on the brink of breaking down his door in order to pay them back the thousands of dollars he borrowed. Mr White was hired to keep the factory clean, which was no easy feat. When he swung open the revolving labia doors, he recognized that smell from all of the previous births. It was the smell of sweat, gasoline, blood and freshly baked artisan breads. He was home.
He got out his broom and started to sweep up all of the twigs and dead bugs that were covering the tiles. He started humming along with the radio that he dusted the cobwebs off of and turned on. It was playing “Rhythm of the Night” by Debarge. As soon as he heard the songs chorus, he was transformed to a different time- the year was 1988 when Michelle had a normal sized uterus and she was giving birth to her first. Mr. White was the janitor at the hospital she gave birth in. He enjoyed having such a close relationship to the mothers in his ward and he wanted to give them the gift of cleanliness. Mrs. Duggar never got the smell of clean out of her nostrils. It was a heavenly scent similar to lemons, alcohol and Mr. Clean. He has been a key member of the team ever since.
When he came out of his trance he realized that he was almost finished with the sweeping and was almost ready to begin the padding of the uterine walls. At that moment, his team finally arrived! Lazy Pete, Dirty Steve and Cotton Eye Joe came in with a childish glee recognizing that this was the location where they became men. Like that of a group of soldiers that experience something beyond words together. They have endured things that NO MAN should have to see, and it makes them stronger as an outcome. Lazy Pete continues to serve them a celebratory meal that he created using only local ingredients. He was making the team, “Cheesy Duggarberries in Velveeta”.
After the hearty meal of seasonal Duggarberries, they began taking in the excess skin from her stomach and turning it into an insulation of sorts. She had enough excess skin that could fill the Empire State Building. They found ancient markings on the walls from its past residents. Mostly claw marks ( like those of someone being dragged to a horrible fate), but a little bit of drawing….stick figures and such.
“We are going to have a long 9 months, aren’t we Steve?” said Cotton-Eye Joe.
“Not as long as the path to the cave” exclaimed Dirty Steve.
They both took a long inspired gaze into the distance. Alongside the entrance to the factory is a dirt road that leads to the “Dark Cave of Lost Souls”. This is where some of the unlucky get lost when they go beyond the factory walls. Never. To. Be. Seen. Again.
To be continued…….